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Unexpected Pregnancy 4 min

Dear Adventurer, Your Greatest Journey Lies Ahead

Michelle Stiffler
Michelle is the Adventurer Clarity Type
Outline

Michelle is the Adventurer Clarity Type

Strength:

Opportunistic and high energy, always ready for the next great adventure.

Core Concern:

Loss of freedom, Loss of self

The summer before my senior year of high school, I held a payphone to my ear and listened to my future shatter in one short sentence: “Yep, you’re very pregnant.”

I made my way to my car, Florida’s humidity rolling down my back. I’d been in denial about my pregnancy for nearly two months, and with a busy day ahead, I resolved to continue in denial for one more day. I put pregnancy out of my mind. I’d think about it later.

Both my parents were educators with college degrees, so I’d grown up under the assumption I’d go away to college too. My sights were set on a school by the ocean just a couple of hours south of my home (ironically I was scheduled to tour it three days after finding out I was pregnant).

As a free spirit, I entertained multiple ideas and possible career paths, but the thought of choosing one made me anxious. There were so many things I could study and so many opportunities to explore and places to see. Why box myself in? Plus, I knew higher education would be my financial responsibility, which often made me question if my college dreams were even realistic.

On top of that, I’d struggled with disordered eating for most of my teen years, as well as depression, although I didn’t recognize it at the time. My future seemed so far off. What if I ended up disappointed anyway?

Trying to manage my mental health on my own led me to make decisions that weren’t good for me. Halfway through my junior year, I started using substances with my boyfriend. I was still committed to making decent grades and hopefully going to college, but honestly, I wasn’t certain what I wanted to do after high school.

Then, I found out I was pregnant...

As with any unplanned pregnancy, there were many factors to consider, but my initial concerns were not for myself. I was the oldest of three girls. My dad was a pastor. I worked at a Christian bookstore. I was supposed to be a role model, but my teen pregnancy had the potential to destroy my dad’s position and possibly get me fired from my job.

I’d always had an optimistic personality, but the fears were overpowering. I made an appointment for an abortion. I was so uncomfortable during that phone call, I didn’t even give the clinic my real name. A few days later I canceled the appointment and was so relieved. Somehow, I was hoping there were good things ahead.

Sharing My Pregnancy News

It was easy confessing my pregnancy to my younger sister—she’d always been an ally. But I delayed telling my parents. I’d been battling debilitating migraines for a month, and my mom knew something was wrong. I wish I could say I answered her questions kindly. I wish I could say I’d mustered the courage to come to both of my parents with my pregnancy news in a calm way, but that’s not how it went. My mom was crushed. She said she’d tell my dad. It was a long, quiet weekend.

Even so, I’ve always appreciated my parent’s silence for those few days. An unexpected pregnancy is overwhelming, and too often, people react rashly rather than respond with care. They say things that can’t be unsaid, taking steps that are hurried and misguided. After my parents rallied, their support for me never wavered.

As an Adventurer, I would totter between avoiding my pain and wild acts of bravery. I asked my dad if I could tell our faith community myself. To my surprise, the people were radically gracious and became a huge support system for me and my family, as did my boss at the bookstore.

PREGNANT?

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I chose to keep my pregnancy hidden at school as long as I could, so I could have a “normal” senior year free of judgments. It helped to have loving people I could safely confide in as I prepared for the months when I was showing and school administration and peers were asking questions. People wanted to know my plan and story, and decades later, they still do. I’ve always been able to hold my chin up without apology. My courage was bolstered by those who believed I could thrive in all aspects of my life—schooling, pregnancy, work, and the future ahead.

Discovering my boyfriend was abusive

At the time, my nineteen-year-old boyfriend and I had been in a committed relationship for only six months although we’d known each other for four years. We’d dated a couple of times when we were younger, but we’d always maintained a good friendship. He was thrilled about my pregnancy, which was both helpful and problematic.

I knew my boyfriend was no longer the easy-going guy I’d known a few years before. He’d been expelled from school, had a criminal record, and was on probation for incidents that occurred when he lost his temper with a previous girlfriend. I wanted to believe all of that was in the past. I hoped the baby would encourage him to clean up his life, and that he’d become the guy he used to be, so we could be a family. But the truth was, he was always high; and having grown up watching his parents use substances, he didn’t see parenting as a reason to quit.

We fought constantly about anything and everything, and the closer I got to my due date, the more his abusive behavior escalated. One day, after a horrible argument, I was driving to work when I saw his car in my rearview mirror. He smashed into me, waited for me to pull to the side of the road, and then he sped away. I was six months pregnant. Sitting on the side of the road in a smashed-up car, it was clear I wasn’t safe in the relationship, so I ended it for good and made the decision to seek legal advice.

Throughout my pregnancy, I’d considered adoption. A friend had adopted her baby out the year before, but her path felt uncomfortable to me. Sure, adoption would allow me the freedom to go away to college or travel. I wouldn’t have to worry about my lack of money and resources for my daughter, but imagining my future that way, didn’t bring me a sense of peace.

After consulting a lawyer, I learned adoption wasn’t an option for me, as it would give my ex-boyfriend the right to take full custody. I learned what to do to protect my daughter and keep her in my care. I gave her my last name, listed myself as the only parent on the birth certificate, and didn’t pursue child support.

Our Happily Ever After

My daughter was born four months before my high school graduation, and I adored her right away. Maybe it was all those years as a fun-loving big sister or maybe it was my optimistic outlook, but it was natural to see the possibilities each day held. The simple joys of motherhood suited me—trips to the park, reading books at bedtime, crafts, spontaneous trips to the beach, or pumpkin patch visits with a friend who’d also had a little girl around the same time. My little girl was high energy and I was too, so keeping up with her wasn’t a problem!

After graduation, I was awarded a full merit scholarship to the community college in addition to another scholarship and grant. Thanks to my parents’ help with childcare, I continued working at the bookstore throughout college and graduated with my Associate’s Degree AND money in the bank. A few weeks after graduation, my daughter and I moved out of state and started a new life together. My daughter was three when I met a man who loved us both. We were married, and a year and a half later, he adopted my daughter.

Now, I’m a mother of four and I work with women in crisis and abuse. I value my experience as a pregnant teen and single mom because it taught me how to evaluate the steps in a crisis and how to advocate for what I need. This gives me unique insight when looking at the big picture my clients are facing and a hopeful perspective that is real and sincere.

My daughter is married now, and in a couple of months, I’ll have a grandson—the next adventure!

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