You're Pregnant and Don't Want To Be

Andrea Voron

11/6/2024

Facing an unexpected pregnancy can leave you feeling powerless. You didn’t plan this pregnancy, you don’t feel ready to be a parent, and the problems you now face are complicated at best.

It can feel like all the control you thought you had in your life has been thrown out the window. But you do have power. You have the power to decide what options to research, where to go for healthcare and services, who to involve in your decision-making process, and how to approach your thoughts and feelings.

Ultimately, you have the power to make a wholehearted decision that you feel confident about moving forward with. Here are some tips to help you process your pregnancy options.

But first, let’s review your options.

Your Pregnancy Options

You are, no doubt, familiar with your pregnancy options.

Abortion. Parenting. Adoption

These options may seem overwhelming or even confusing due to all the different information out thereIf you’ve spent any time with women who’ve lived through unexpected pregnancies, you know the way these choices manifest in a person’s life are as unique as the women who choose them.

I’ve interviewed hundreds of extraordinary women who have faced unexpected pregnancies and here are the 9 tried and true decision-making tips I’ve learned.

Let’s break down how to approach your decision.

9 Tips to Help You Decide

#1. Start with Your Identity

Think about who you are and who you want to be in life. Panic and fear have a way of shutting down our mental creativity and limiting our problem-solving capacity. We get tunnel vision in our problems, and we stop thinking about what we want and who we are.

Take a deep breath and try to redirect your focus from the external to the internal. Think about you before the pregnancy. What kind of person were you? What is one attribute (or a few) people have noted about you that you’re proud of?

Now, think about your future self. Imagine yourself 10 years from now with courage, confidence, and wisdom. Who is that person? What would your future self say to your present self as you make this decision?

The foundation of a wholehearted decision is found in who you are. Know your identity and speak from it. Everything else will follow.

#2. Think Short-Term

An unexpected pregnancy brings a host of financial, relational, vocational, and personal challenges among other things. As you process your decision, think about some of the short-term challenges of each pregnancy option. Picture the next 6 months and explore questions like the following:

  • How will this pregnancy option affect your job?
    • Who will be affected by your pregnancy choice?
      • How will this pregnancy option impact your personal goals?

        These concerns are real and often complicated. But don’t get ahead of yourself. There will be time to strategize later. Your goal is to get a lay of the land, so you can figure out what you want to do with your pregnancy.

        #3. Think Long-Term

        No matter what option you choose, an unwanted pregnancy brings long-term change to your life trajectory.

        Picture yourself 5 years from now. Now picture yourself in 10 years. This is a difficult exercise when you’re in a high stress situation—but it’s a critical one. Think about what you want your life to look like and the impact you want to have on others.

        • What does your career or vocation look like?
          • What does your family look like?
            • What impact do you hope to have on others?
              • What personal goals do you hope to have accomplished?

                After you’ve made your short-term and long-term lists, step back and take a deep breath. No matter how insightful or brilliant you are, you don’t know what the future holds. These lists are simply projections of the future.

                This exercise is helpful because it empowers you to find your voice and discover what you actually want for yourself.

                #4. Face Your Fear

                Now, ask yourself this question: “What am I most afraid of?” Anxiety and fear have a nasty habit of holding us back and driving actions we’re not proud of—if we let them.

                It’s not easy to stop and face our fear, but it’s essential.

                By confronting and wrestling with our fears, we empty them of their power. It’s not easy to stop and face our fear, but it’s essential.We find new clarity, and we give ourselves the space to step forward with intention and love for ourselves and others.

                Ultimately, this will not cause your fear to magically disappear. But it will put you back in the driver’s seat.

                #5. Try it on for a Day

                Now that you’re clear on your identity and goals, it’s time to go for a test drive. For each option you’re exploring, try it on for a day and see how it feels.

                If you’re considering continuing the pregnancy, imagine for a day or two that you’re going to continue the pregnancy and parent, either for the first time or growing your family. What does it feel like? What thoughts and questions come to mind?

                Now try to imagine you continue the pregnancy and become a birth mother. What does it feel like? What thoughts and questions come to mind?

                Next, visualize terminating the pregnancy and moving forward? What does it feel like? What thoughts and questions come to mind?

                As you go about your day, pay attention to your body. Your body manifests your emotions in powerful physiological ways—your stomach churns, your heart races, and your palms sweat. Does the option excite you and give you energy or does it shut you down and make you feel like you’re coping? Sometimes, our bodies can bring new insight to nuanced situations where words and logic fail.

                #6. Challenge Your Assumptions

                As you process your decision, it’s important to challenge your assumptions. We all have them. Your concerns are both valid and not necessarily facts, they are possibilities of the future, and should be challenged.

                We were all raised with worldviews that deal with what a pregnancy is or is not. Evaluate what you believe about your pregnancy. This is not what your family members think, your community thinks, or what your partner thinks—but what YOU think about a pregnancy. You are the one pregnant! Examine what your body is experiencing and how this relates to your identity and your personal beliefs on your pregnancy options.

                If you find yourself making broad presumptions about yourself or others, do a little self-analysis. Take that thought that keeps repeating in your mind, and ask yourself: “Where did this thought come from? What am I most afraid of and why?” Take back your power by seeing those assumptions for what they are.

                #7. Revisit Options when You Need To

                Did you know that excitement and anxiety exist on the same spectrum? That’s why it’s possible to be excited about your pregnancy one minute and crippled by anxiety and think “I don’t want a baby!” the next. Unexpected pregnancies are complicated on multiple levels. If you find yourself wavering on a path you felt sure of yesterday but completely unsure of today, that’s okay and completely normal.

                Give yourself permission to revisit options when you need to. Do more research. Consult the people in your corner. Make more lists. Use every resource available to you to make a decision you feel good about. You deserve it.

                #8. Talk to Someone You Trust

                I placed this tip at the bottom of the list because it’s important for you to first find your voice before entering a conversation with someone else.

                It might be helpful to get out of your head and talk to someone you trust. But how do you know who to talk to?

                Qualities of a trustworthy person:

                • They love you and want your good.
                  • They know how to listen.
                    • They believe in you.
                      • They challenge you, even when it’s hard.
                        • They know how to keep a secret.

                          #9. See Money as a Factor—Not THE Factor

                          For those of us living in strained financial situations, it can be easy to let money drive our decision making. If you’re facing significant debt, recently lost your job, or are living out of your car, like my friend Amanda was, an unexpected pregnancy is a terrifying thing on a most basic level.

                          If you find your mind dominated by financial concerns, consider setting money aside for a moment. Money is a factor, but it should not be the only factor in your pregnancy decision. You might find that blocking out on your financial worries for just an hour might bring clarity and peace you would not have otherwise discovered.

                          Conclusion: Move Forward with Confidence

                          As human beings, we don’t do well with uncertainty and indecision. We want to know exactly how things will turn out. We want the path forward to be obvious, without drawbacks and complications. But life’s not that simple.

                          Only you have the power to sort through the chaos to discern what pregnancy option is best for you. But that doesn’t mean you have to do it alone. That’s why we’ve armed you with 9 strategies to give you clarity and peace in your decision.

                          And if you feel a little foolish and slightly crazy at the end of the process, that’s normal. Often, the best decisions in life require a dash of delusion and a sprinkling of unfounded hope. Thousands of women have found themselves unexpectedly pregnant. You are not alone in this experience, but you alone have the power to write your story.

                          Take our Quiz

                          Complete a simple set of questions that uncover your unique strengths, as well as your concerns about a pregnancy. Each question is thoughtfully crafted to guide you through a self-reflective journey. Receive a comprehensive report on your Clarity Type along with personalized tools and resources meticulously crafted to aid you in your pregnancy decision. Each element is tailored to you, providing valuable guidance for your unique journey.

                          Take the Quiz

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