A Change of Plans
Amber Burns
11/6/2024
In the fall of 2015, I was an adventurous and excited 18 year old starting my first semester of college. Like most freshmen, I had big plans for the future. I loved my Erin Condren life planner, taking detailed notes in class, being overly prepared, and reading. I planned to graduate with a degree in Anthropology and pursue a career as an archaeologist and travel the Middle East in search of ancient relics. I had a notebook with all 4 years of my college courses mapped out, a timeline for future travels, and also an unspoken plan for when marriage and kids would fit into my life. What didn’t fit into my plan was my positive pregnancy test.
On October 14th, the week before my first set of midterms, I took a pregnancy test. The test showed a “+” sign. I thought it was a false positive because I bought a cheap test from a convenience store, so I scheduled an appointment with our campus health clinic. They drew my blood and confirmed that I was in fact pregnant. The doctor handed me pamphlets with my 3 options: Keep my child, let someone adopt my child, or abort my child. I was shocked at how casually she handed me the pamphlets as if it was not a life-altering decision.
After I left the clinic I had an emotional breakdown. I was 18 years old and just beginning my life. After calming down, I took days to think about everything. I felt confident that abortion wasn’t right for me, so I threw that pamphlet out. I then thought about adoption, but I knew in my heart that was not the option for me, so I threw that pamphlet out. The only pamphlet left was the one about keeping the baby and parenting. I just kept looking at the pamphlet and then came the realization. I was going to be raising this child. I would be the one teaching them, playing with them, and loving them.
I could feel something in my heart give way almost, and I think that’s when I realized I was in my own process of growth. Obviously I was physically growing this little person inside of me, but I was also changing. I was becoming a mother, whether I was ready for it or not. Having children was part of my plan, but it wasn’t supposed to happen yet.I had mapped out a timeline of roughly 7 years until I had my first child. Everything was happening at the wrong time and in the wrong order.
My mother took me to a pregnancy care center in my hometown.They gave me a counseling session where I got to talk to someone about my unexpected pregnancy and note all of my concerns. It felt so good to speak my thoughts out loud. I was comforted and cared for. After talking through everything, I felt much more confident in my ability to be a mother. Then I went into the ultrasound room. This was the first time I got to see my tiny little baby and listen to his heartbeat. At that moment, everything changed for me. I knew that even though I had what I thought would be my life plan all figured out, that my plans and my timelines could change. That having this child wasn’t going to derail everything I’d ever worked for. I thought about my plans, my future, my dream career, my goals. And I told myself: I can still do this and be a good mother.
In 2016, I welcomed my son Riley into the world. He was 3 weeks early and weighed 8 lbs 8.4oz. It was honestly the best, most magical day of my life. There is something so wonderful about carrying your child for 9 months and then holding him or her for the first time. When I delivered him, he was crying, but the moment the nurse handed him to me, he stopped. I realized he knew me. The bond between my son and I clicked at that moment. It is honestly the strongest bond I have ever had the privilege of feeling. My son. My world. I knew I would do anything for him. I would even plan a better, different life for us: Just me and him.
My son is now 5 years old and the BEST decision I ever made in my life. I think back to the days in which I was in shock, scared and nervous. Those feelings were all valid, but if only I could have sent myself a glimpse of the pure happiness in which I live in today with my son, and now my sweet baby girl, I think that would have eased much anxiety. Although the outcome has been wonderful, it has been a winding road with ups and downs.
I changed my major in school 4 times. I went from Anthropology, to Human Lactation and Maternal Health, to Radiology, to Accounting, to my final choice: Finance. I’ve had different jobs to make ends meet, and I stayed up late at night studying. I have also gone through many journals replanning my “final” plans. But through it all, I am proud to say I focused on remembering that I deserve happiness to fulfill my dreams—even when I became a mom, and even if my dreams changed.
I still plan everything I do; however, I am more flexible now. I understand that life really does throw curveballs. I understand that plans are not set in stone, they can be tentative. I understand that goals can guide you and set you on a specific course, but they do not define the outcome. You can deviate from your trajectory when life goes off course.You have to adapt to your constantly changing surroundings. What is the point in planning if life goes exactly as you want it? I have to bend as life changes and edit my plans. I can promise you one thing: Being a mother unexpectedly is worth the change in plans.